Tis the season to be jolly

Or maybe not.


The Christmas holiday has always been one of my favorite times of the year. I look forward to the sights, smells and just over all good spirit of Christmas. The fact that I have always pretty much worked retail has not changed my mind on this.


Lately, I've been forcing myself to watch Christmas movies with the two kids that I baby sit. This is my sad attempt to get in the holiday spirit. It has not worked thus far. For most, including myself, the holidays can be a depressing time. Being away from my family doesn't help, although Thanksgiving is my mom's "family holiday." I survived last Christmas without them, but now that I'm 2,200 miles away, the distance stings a bit more. So when I watch these movies that have these perfect endings, it makes me a bit sad.

I have not shopped, and I love to shop for others. I like to think that I am one hell of a gift giver. I pay attention to people and I never seem to disappoint. BUT since my funds have been as dry as the desert, I haven't had monies to buy gifts for anyone. The least I want to do is buy my boyfriend something meaningful and budget friendly, although he will tell me not to. "Save your money Nikki," that's what he always says.


I want a white Christmas! California has taken all of the magic out of the holiday season for me. Sure, the weather is decent, although it's been raining like crazy lately, but, I grew up with snow! I miss snow! Sure, people joke that I can drive to the mountains for the snow, but eh, it's not the same! The weather has been a HUGE adjustment for me. Even though I fully realize where I am, I keep expecting snow. Seeing brightly lit houses and reindeer and snowmen propped against lush green grass and palm trees is very awkward. It almost feels like a cruel joke.


Holiday music doesn't do it for me either. I sing along, but it's mostly because I recognize the song. Growing up in school choirs has always made Christmas music some of my favorite music to sing. I just can't find it in me.

If you follow me on twitter, then I'm sure you've seen some of my rants. I hate to be or sound so negative around this time of year...or anytime of year for that matter. I've just been in such a slump. My personal life and financial life kind of, well, to be frank, suck right now. I have a lot to be thankful for and I am forever grateful for the family that has adopted me...but I just can't seem to find that silver lining right now. I promise, I am trying!


My mom says that Christmas is for little kids, which is probably why I feel so Grinch-like. But I definitely disagree. Christmas is about family, love and giving (not always material gifts, but giving of yourself) if you ask me. I am loved, even if they are far away. Maybe I need to find out if it's still possible to volunteer somewhere. That always makes me feel better.


I actually look forward to spending Christmas with Ryan and his family. I guess over the next couple of days I better join the ranks of all the other last minute Christmas shoppers. Eek! Wish me luck!


Thanks for listening! :) I just needed to vent a bit. I'm sure there are some of you who can relate. Do you get the "BAH-HUMBUG" feeling around the holidays? If so, how do you manage to make it through?


***DISCLAIMER*** Even though I may not be the most festive, I do still wish each and every one of you a happy, safe and healthy holiday season! <3