I apologize in advance if this becomes too wordy or sounds irrational. I need to use my blog as a platform for therapy. Up until now, I struggled with the decision to share with you all that is going on in my personal life. I'm no stranger to sharing but due to a few nasty comments from an anonymous person, I refrained. Because hatred is not something I deal with kindly. But at this point, if that person(s) is reading this, feel free to make light of the situation I am going to talk about...obviously, it's the only way YOU know how to feel better.
On to the story...
Most of you who have followed my blog since last year know that the reason I ended up in California was to pursue love. I was in a long distance relationship, which was new for me. I felt so strongly about Ryan. We talked about wedding colors and what we'd name our kids, how we hoped our little girl didn't look like me when I was little LOL :) It was so beyond me to one, agree to a long distance relationship and two, even consider moving across the country to be with someone who had stolen my heart. But I did it. I felt confident in my move.
Some people commented that we had the perfect relationship. This was far from being true. When I lived in Chicago, Ryan and I made a pact that we would never go to bed angry. For the most part, we kept our word while there was distance between us. After I moved, we had great days...an awesome Halloween at Universal Studios, days where we'd lounge and watch movies and play games, holding hands and making up after a fight...there were many more great days! But, there were also the days were neither one of us were sure what we had gotten ourselves into. The transition from living 2,000 miles apart to living 20 minutes apart was almost a gift and a curse. We never really sat down to talk about what we would expect of one another now that we had the chance to actually interact with each other. Accompanied by the stress of me being jobless, again, and my living situation, it left us with really difficult decisions.
The holidays were hard, but I was happy to spend them with Ryan and his family and friends. I met all the important people in his life and the welcomed me with open arms. We ran into a snag on NYE, but found a way to talk it out and enjoy our evening and pray into the new year.
So that pretty much brings us to this part. The part where we aren't together and I'm back to being "single." The part of my life where I've asked friends to write guest posts for Valentine's Day because I can't really even think about Valentine's Day without tearing up. The part in which I think about the fact that I was "dumped" two and a half weeks before our official one year anniversary.
Ryan and I hit a rough patch a couple weeks ago. I'm not sure how one argument turned into a week in a half of me lingering in a gray area to a perfectly awesome weekend then to him telling me that he just couldn't do "us" anymore. The reasoning, it's not really important and I think I'm more confused by it so it's hard to talk about. For the first time, I think I cried in front of him without trying to hold back. Sure, he'd heard me cry on the phone, but I've always tried my best to remain strong around him.
That was the only day last week that I allowed myself to cry...and even that didn't last so long. Shortly after Ryan left, his friend Cheryl, now my friend (owner and operator of Mingle and Plei LA) phoned me and gave me great solid advice. She was just as shocked as I was of the news. She didn't bash him, she just gave me words on how to work on myself and get over what had just happened. I felt a sense of energy after talking to her and spent all of last week with really great friends...Mo, Sarah, Cid and Allison.
I avoided calling him and I didn't send him a single text. I was so proud of myself. Then I saw him Friday night where I work as a hostess at Plei...he's the emmcee so I knew I would run into him. I wasn't sure how I'd react. But to my surprise, it wasn't as awkward as I planned it to be. He embraced me, told me he missed me...Lord knows I missed him too. He told me that I could call or at least text to talk, but I wanted to give him what he needed...space. I saw him again on Saturday at the tattoo party and things went really well. A little too well perhaps.
This week, it's been another story. The false hope that I hold onto thinking that maybe this is not permanent...maybe his just really needs a chance to think and he'll realize that this is a mistake. More and more, Valentine's Day posts are popping up and Ryan has been heavy on my mind. I'm genuinely sad. I don't think I really had time to fully process what happened last week because I kinda pushed it to the back of my mind. Today, I cried...as if it happened again today.
A part of me is angry! This move to California, that was his idea. This relationship, as a matter of fact, was something that he pushed for. I allowed it to happen, yes indeed, but it's because I fell for him. I want to scream at him, "HOW COULD YOU LET A GREAT GIRL JUST SLIP BETWEEN YOUR FINGERS? I MOVED OUT HERE FOR US! TO GROW! CAUSE WE ARE PRETTY DAMN GREAT TOGETHER! I'M NOT PERFECT, I'M SOMETIMES HARD TO LOVE BUT YOU FOUND A WAY TO DO IT BEFORE, WHY CAN'T YOU DO IT NOW?! I'M SUPPORTIVE, I'VE GOT YOUR BACK, I WANT TO SEE YOU SUCCEED, I DON'T CARE THAT YOU HAVE FEMALE FRIENDS OR THAT YOU HANG WITH YOUR BOYS...I MOVED HERE FOR US! HOW COULD YOU JUST LET THAT GO SO EASILY."
Then, there's the part of me that is sad. When I envision my future, he is all I can see because for the last year, we have been making plans together. I still love him and fully support him and his career. That won't change. It's just, right now, I'm selfish and I want him to come to me and say, "baby, let's work on it."
I keep daydreaming that February 11th will bring some sort of change. In my mind, I'm going to have a Valentine's Day that proves to me that love is enough. Maybe growing up, I watched too many Disney movies, but right now. I really just want a happy ending.