Mind you, I'm writing from the hospital bed, waiting for my cervix to ripen and labor to start. I've been in here for almost 48 hours and have made no progress. So this is a way to express a bit of the anger, rant style. So here it goes, my list of things you don't say to a mother that has just lost her unborn baby.
"Look at it this way, this is God's way of telling you to get some things in your life together." These words, not exactly verbatim, were uttered from the mouth of Ryan's pastor. I almost couldn't believe that he repeated it back to me. I instantly became infuriated. So you mean to tell me that God thinks the girls on 16 & Pregnant have their lives together? Alcoholics and junkies carry full term and give birth to babies with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Women that don't even want kids carry to full term and have beautiful healthy babies that they neglect. So how much more do I need to have my life together before I can successfully hold a healthy baby in my arms? Would you dare say this to a mother who lost her 12 year old to cancer?
"Don't worry, you're still young, you can have more kids." Yes, you're right. I am still young and I can and will have more babies. I will definitely have my own family one day, but that doesn't do a damn thing to do with the fact that I will be delivering a sleeping angel baby sometime hopefully within the next 24 hours. Would you dare say this to a mother who lost her 5 year old?
Don't tell me how this is going to bring Ryan and I closer together or teach us how the things we may argue about are petty. I think we pretty much understand that. It's a really sweet gesture and to be honest, everything him and I have been through has made us closer. It's always been sad to me that death is what brings people together.
"Consider yourself lucky, it could have happened later." What? No, just don't! Never ever say this. We have planned and anticipated for the arrival of baby Gunther.
"It was God' will. He or she is in a better place." Thankfully, I'm a Christian and I'm sometimes okay with hearing this, but it's not an easy pill to swallow. What better place is there than a mother's arms? Hell, I'd love a hug from my mom right now. That always feels pretty safe to me. Do I believe my baby is now an angel, absolutely! Do I question, why? Absolutely, and this is a normal part of grieving.
The good news is that not everything you say or do is offensive. Here's a couple of things you can do to help.
- Do allow myself to express as much as I can about how I feel. Whether its sadness or anger.
- When you say, "If you need anything, call me." Please let that be sincere. I had a friend offer to wash my laundry and I wish I had taken her up on it! Now when I'm released, I have to still do 3 weeks of laundry.
- Sometimes understand that I may not want to talk about everything.
- Please don't be offended if I haven't responded back to you.
Now, back to my bed I go. Thank you for allowing me to vent. I hope you all understand.