|10 perfect tiny fingers. I can't wait to hold your hand again.|
Crying does help...and I'm learning, it's okay to cry. My friends don't mind if I cry.
Ryan has just been amazing through all of this. I honestly cannot thank him enough for just hugging me when I try to cry in silence. Sometimes, words aren't needed. He lets me take on things at my own pace. I was terrified of going out into the world. Up until Wednesday, I had not left my house in a week. I was too scared that I'd see a baby and just break down. Or maybe it was the pregnant woman at the grocery store rubbing her tummy. The sight of these things just made me angry and jealous and I didn't want to risk going out and crying in public.
It took some baby steps, but Ryan walked alongside me every step of the way when it came time to reintroduce me to the public. It started with lunch at the mall then his moms house. But guilt quickly sunk in anytime I felt a moment of calm or laughed for too long. I felt guilty if I wasn't feeling sad, and almost immediately melancholy would set in and I'd be holding back tears. But I was proud, cause at least I left the house and faced my fears.
Each day from there, it got a little bit easier to get dressed. Although I'd find myself daydreaming as I lay in bed and rubbed my belly. I finally got the courage to suggest something to do. Saturday we filled our time with a clothing sale, Venice Beach and a champagne party for a dear friends daughter. I have to admit, while it felt great to be out with my little family (of course we took Sammy to the beach), it felt a bit like something was missing.
I took some pictures of our day at Venice Beach. If you want, you can follow me on Instagram @nikstarsoamazin. I'm always posting way random pictures that never make it to the blog.
|Something about the beach just eases my soul.|
|Meh, it wasn't completely Chicago-ish because they didn't dip it! You gotta dip it!|
|My Sammy! He thoroughly enjoyed the day at the beach!|
I asked Ryan if he felt sadness or just a bit weird to see babies. His response, "No, it just makes me more eager to try for another." It made me smile and while we both know in our hearts no one will ever replace our first child, we are still pretty settled on the idea of growing our family. In the meantime, we take each day, one day at a time.
The next step? Dealing with the sad faces of my coworkers who got to experience my pregnancy symptoms and cravings first hand. Not to mention the two very pregnant coworkers. *sigh*