I've been dreading this day since I gave birth to you on June 5 at 19 weeks. It's been quite an emotional journey. I have my good days and I have days where I stare off into space rubbing my belly. I know I shouldn't be stuck on the "what if's," but I can't help but to think what life would be like if I was holding you right now, or later on in the week. I had plans on dressing you up in a ridiculous orange pumpkin onsie for Halloween. Since I was going to be on maternity leave, I would have flown our little family out to Michigan, so you could meet your grandma and grandpa and your aunts, uncles and cousins. Just as soon as the Christmas music started to play, I'd buy for you a "My First Christmas" ornament and decorate our first Christmas tree together with your daddy. We'd take cheesy Christmas pictures and send them to everyone who loves us. I had so many plans for you. For me. For our family.
I still get constant reminders that I carried you. An email here and there from BabyCenter; coupons from Pottery Barn (the place we registered at the morning before we found out you had passed). Today, a package from arrived from Enfamil. The box is just sitting across from me, haunting me. Each time they arrive, I take the gestures in stride. My eyes well up with tears, but I'm careful to never let the sadness run down my cheeks for too long.
The birth of Brielle, baby girl to my pregnancy buddy and dear friend, Spree, in September seemed to put me a place of calm. Brielle would have been your "play cousin." When I met her for the first time, I'll admit, I was so afraid to be inside the labor and delivery room, let alone hold and touch a newborn. There was something about the birth of a healthy baby that put my mind at ease. At that moment, I didn't feel angry about what happened to me. I was so elated for her. She was awesome at making sure I felt comfortable. Through her entire pregnancy, and even now, Spree has remained supportive and loving. Being included in her pregnancy and the birth of her baby girl put me in a very positive place. I'm looking forward to her getting her shots, so that I may visit and spoil her.
Thankfully, being around friends and their babies has not made me bitter. If anything, being around little wee ones has made me appreciate you so much more. It has given me so much more to look forward to, when I know it could very well be the opposite effect. I thank God that he has surrounded me with a responsive army. This army consists of strangers and friends...but, even through all of the love and support, today, I am saddened that you are not present with me. Saddened that I cannot hold you, bond with you and count every milestone as the months fly by. I guess it's one of those things I may never get over. Instead of feeling blue, I try to talk to God and thank Him for allowing me to grow stronger through you.
Baby Parker, I want you to know that mommy won't be sad forever. I will always love you, and I will probably always have my "what if's." I'll probably always remember June 5 and October 25 as being your special days. I will never forget you and I'll carry you close to my heart. Please remind God that I am a good mommy and that daddy and I need extra special baby dust. We'd like very much to have a child here on earth. I vow to even take belly pics, even though my belly is already round enough! I won't miss a moment and I'll even take it easy at work.
*sigh*
One last thing, Parker...thank you for being mommy and daddy's guardian angel.
